Feels Like Home
by Shikata ga nai
Summary: Post-EW for Kara. Heero wakes up three weeks after the Mariemaia Incident in Relena's house. As soon as he can, he leaves to find a life and a home, but maybe in the end he'll figure out that he knew where he should be all along...
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I'm a traitor to my cause. If you've read my other stuff, you're probably wondering why I wrote a 1xR. So am I. ;) Actually, this is all Kara's fault. If I wrote a 1xR, she said she'd write me a good 1x2 fic. Except that I like citrus, and she doesn't write citrus (or slash, for that matter), so I eagerly wait to see how she'll do. 

P.S. Kara: Not only am I writing a het main romance, there won't be _any _slash couples in this fic. I went all the way. *sigh* That had better be a damn good 1x2…

Disclaimer: Wishing on stars apparently doesn't work, because I still don't own Gundam Wing. I'll keep trying though… I'm not making any money from this work.

Feels Like Home

__

By Shikata ga nai

~*~

Heero groaned as he opened his eyes. It was so brightly white around him that he had to squeeze them shut again immediately, and he waited a few seconds before he tried again. Slowly, cautiously, he peeped his eyes open and soon was blinking tears out of them. The blinding white light resolved itself into a dull glow of sunlight through alabaster curtains. 

He sat up; he was in a bed he didn't recognize, wearing pajamas that didn't belong to him, staring in confusion at the decorations of a bedroom he'd never seen before. He _did_ recognize his jeans and tank top, lying neatly folded on a dresser by the far wall, and pushed the bedcovers off to get up and change his clothes and then escape from wherever he was being held. No sooner did he put one foot on the plush white carpet than the door opened and someone walked in. He tensed, ready for a fight.

He wasn't ready for what he saw: a young woman dressed in jeans and a pink T-shirt, with her honey blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail. She was carrying a tray with a bowl on it. She saw his position, raised an eyebrow, and walked towards him with the tray held out in front of her.

"Good afternoon, Heero. It's nice to see that you're up and about."

He gaped at her. "Re-Relena?" 

She smiled at him and looked pointedly at the rumpled bed. Taking the hint, he sat obediently. Her smile got wider and she put the soup tray on the bed in front of him. "I brought you something to eat. I'm sure you're starving."

He opened his mouth to object, but his stomach growled loudly, betraying him. "Thanks," he said instead.

She fetched a chair from the bureau opposite the window and pulled it over to the bed to sit in while she watched him eat. After a few minutes of silence, she cleared her throat and answered the question he had been about to ask. "It's been three weeks since the battle with Mariemaia. What do you remember?" 

He put down his spoon and thought. "I remember Mariemaia dying…and I dropped my gun…" Heero stared with intense concentration at the soup bowl. "That's all." He said finally.

She nodded, folded her hands on her lap, and began to fill in the hole in his memory. "After you dropped your gun, you fainted. I just managed to catch you. I nearly dropped you, too." He blinked at her and she grinned ruefully. "I've started a workout regime since then. How can I support the colonies in the quest for peace if I can't even hold up a person not much bigger than me?" She blushed and went back to her retelling. 

"Mariemaia's not dead. She got to a hospital in time and now she's recovering under Lady Une's care. You were brought here, to my house, and put to bed. You stayed unconscious for two days and then spent the last three weeks sleeping a lot. You've woken up before now, but you weren't coherent and always went right back to sleep." Her gaze softened and something glowed in her blue eyes. "I guess that makes up for two years of lost rest, huh?"

"It's been more than two years. Three weeks of laying around is far too long. I should get going." Heero started to get up again, but was bodily pushed back down by a manicured hand. He stared at Relena in wonder. She was stronger than he remembered. 

"The war's over, Heero." She said it softly, but was betrayed by the firm pressure of her hand on his chest and the expression on her face. It was like she was reprimanding a child. "You don't have to fight anymore. No more battle, no more missions, no more killing. You can live your life now. Take the time to recover fully. Not for me, not for the colonies, for _you_." 

After a pause, the meaning of her statement sunk in and he looked up into her eyes. "All right," he said grudgingly, and lay back down.

She beamed at him and stood back. "Finish your food. Get some more rest. We can talk later."

"Hn." He picked up his spoon and resumed eating as the door shut softly behind her.

***

Heero couldn't remember falling asleep, but when he woke up it was morning instead of afternoon. _Absolute sloth_, he thought with shame, imagining Doctor J's reaction to this show of weakness. _Sloppy--it will make you soft. Not like a soldier._ Then he froze and shook his head. He wasn't a soldier anymore. Now he was just a normal boy, like any other. Just a normal boy who could bench press almost twice his own body weight, run five miles without getting winded, and take apart and reassemble any gun blindfolded. He stretched lazily. _I'll probably never be normal._ He got out of bed and started to put on his clothes. _But I can sure as hell try._

Fully dressed, he walked out of his room and down the unfamiliar staircase, looking for the kitchen. He found it behind a light blue swinging door and nearly gave Pagan a heart attack when he walked in.

"My goodness!" the elderly butler exclaimed when his breathing had calmed down. "Master Yuy, you startled me! You certainly walk softly. Are you hungry?" He gestured to the table and poured a bowl of cereal. "The rest will just be a moment…"

Heero worked his way steadily through the bowl of cereal, as well as three eggs, bacon and a large stack of pancakes before he leaned back in his chair, stuffed. Pagan laughed. "Just a bit hungry, I would say."

Heero grinned and remembered his manners, taught so long ago as an afterthought to battle and espionage. "Thank you, Pagan," he said, recalling the man's name after what seemed like many years since learning it.

"It was my pleasure, Master Yuy. If I may ask, what did you plan to do today?"

"Uh…" No brilliant ideas lit up his mind. '_We can talk later…'_ "Where's Relena?" he asked finally.

"Miss Relena has a number of meetings to attend today. She did ask me to tell you, however, that she will be joining you for dinner, if you are willing."

"Of course." But how to spend the hours until then? Heero was still at a loss for what to do with himself.

Pagan intervened. "She also informed me that you were to have the run of the house and estate for the duration of your stay."

That was the best he could get for now. He nodded. "I'll just… go look around, then." He thanked the butler and left the kitchen.

Pagan clucked his tongue as the door swung shut. "Poor boy doesn't know what to do with himself," he muttered under his breath. "Fish out of water…" 

***

Heero wandered around the expansive house aimlessly, half-heartedly trying to acquaint himself with its layout while he killed time. He passed an office, three sitting rooms, three bedrooms, one of which he presumed was Relena's, since it was pink; as well as a bathroom and a powder room. He lingered in the library, browsing the shelves absently before moving on. 

On the third floor, he finally came across something to hold his attention: a home gym. He examined a treadmill, an exercise bike, pyramids of small weights, and a couple of heavier arm and leg apparatuses with a shade of approval. _'I've started a workout regime since then. How can I support the colonies in the quest for peace if I can't even hold up a person not much bigger than me?'_ The conversation from the day before came back to him. All of the equipment was probably new, then. His muscles felt soft from lack of use, and he still had about three hours before Relena would be home. With a shrug, he sat down on a mat and started stretching out his legs.

***

At four-thirty, Pagan knocked on the door to the gym and interrupted Heero's workout on the bench press. The boy put the bar back on its hooks and sat up, breathing heavily. Pagan smiled. "I just came to tell you that Relena is expected home at five. You may wish to have a shower and change your clothes?"

"Thank you, Pagan." Heero stood up and walked past the butler out the door and to his room. There was an adjoining private bathroom, where he stripped down and climbed into the shower. He just stood there with his face in the jet of water for a few moments, then pulled it out, gasped and shook his head, spraying water around. His arms and legs felt a bit like overcooked spaghetti from the exercise he'd gotten. _So out of shape…_ He vowed to use the gym every day while he stayed here, until he was back to his former state of fitness. 

After his hot shower, Heero climbed out and dried off, then stood in his room, wrapped in a towel, wondering what he could wear to dinner, since all he had was one set of clothes, which were now dirty. His gaze caught on the dresser and he walked over to stand in front of it. _There won't be anything in here…_ But he pulled the top drawer open anyway, just to prove it to himself. His eyes widened when he saw several pairs of pants lying inside, neatly folded like his had been. He closed the drawer and jerked open the one below it: piles of shirts. The other two drawers held underwear, socks, and pajamas.

He pulled out trousers and a white button-down shirt and tried them on. Both were a perfect fit. Obviously Relena had used his clothes as a size guideline. He shook his head in disbelief at the kindness she had shown him: looking after him for three weeks, feeding him, giving him the run of the house, and now providing clothes for him to wear. He felt unworthy of the attention.

After a mostly futile ten minute battle to get his hair to do something other than hang in messy brown spikes, Heero walked downstairs to the dining room. Relena was sitting at the table reading documents from a file folder. She looked up at him and smiled. "I see you found the clothes we left. I was going to say something, but it slipped my mind." She gestured at the papers. "Too many other things to think about, I suppose," she said apologetically.

Heero shook his head. "It was no problem." He pulled out a chair directly across from her and sat down. "You had meetings today?"

"Yes. More discussions and legal paper trails to sift through in the disarmament process." She sighed. "But we're nearly there, I think."

Heero leaned back in his chair. "I suppose the Mariemaia Incident didn't help things much."

"No, it didn't," she agreed. "Still, I'm glad she's all right and the earth is still in one piece and everything."

He laughed. "True quotes from the Vice Foreign Minister, dedicated to total pacifism." 

She grinned and started to giggle. Soon she was laughing and even Heero was chuckling softly. They carried on for a few moments until Pagan came in with the food trolley.

The old man smiled and cleared his throat. "I am pleased to see that Madam is having a good time, but if it would oblige her to clean up her mess so that I can serve dinner."

Relena sat upright and started to clear away reports. "Sorry, Pagan." But her eyes still sparkled with mirth.

They calmed down and all that could be heard for a while was the clinking of cutlery against china. Then Relena spoke up again. "You wanted to talk some more?"

He nodded. "What happened to the other pilots?"

She stopped her fork halfway to her mouth and put it down. "I've only heard from Quatre. He called to ask me how you were doing. He's living on his home colony, managing the Winner estate. As for the rest of them, I don't know." She saw him frown. "I can find out for you, if you want."

"That would be good. I want to get in touch with them. If it's not too much trouble."

She waved dismissively. "None at all. I'm the Vice Foreign Minister. They let me get away with rather a lot." She smiled again and chuckled lightly.

That settled, they were quiet again. Then she remembered. "I have the day off tomorrow, do you want to go do something?"

"Like what?" Heero looked at her quizzically as he chewed his steak.

She grinned. "You can ride a horse, right?"

**********


	2. Chapter 2

Feels Like Home

__

By Shikata ga nai

~*~

The next morning Heero was woken by Pagan knocking on his bedroom door. After reviving a bit in the shower, he dressed in jeans and a blue T-shirt and went downstairs to breakfast. Relena was sitting at the dining room table eating toast while she read the paper. She chirped, 'Good morning,' while he poured a cup of coffee from the sideboard and sat down in front of his scrambled eggs. He nodded in reply and tucked into the hot food.

After breakfast, they walked through the estate's huge backyard to a gate in the wooden fence. Fifty paces beyond that, through a stand of trees, they came to another house with a stable in the yard. Relena went right towards the stables and called to a man passing by with a rake and a bucket. "Hi, Jake! This is my friend, Heero." 

Jake, an older man with brown hair streaked with silver, nodded at Heero in greeting, obviously not one to waste words. Heero liked him immediately. "The horses are in the stable, Relena. Go ahead and saddle them up." 

She beamed. "Thank you!" Jake smiled and walked away and Relena tugged Heero's arm. "Let's go!" she said excitedly.

The horses stood placidly inside their stalls and nickered as the two young people entered. Relena went directly towards a chestnut mare and started stroking the horse's neck. "Hey, Sugar," she cooed. Heero looked around; one other horse had a saddle draped over its stall door, a large, silver-grey gelding that snorted and shook its head when he approached. Relena looked over from where she was starting to saddle Sugar. "Are you all right with that one?"

"Yeah." Heero picked up a brush. "What's his name?"

"Bullet."

Heero winced and stared at Bullet. The horse snorted again and started sniffing him agitatedly. There was a fiery glint in its eyes. _This should be interesting,_ he thought with dread.

Heero got the horse saddled without too many problems, and was thinking as they rode along the trail that he had been worrying about nothing. Bullet behaved himself admirably as they followed the path up a mountainside, and Heero settled down to enjoy the scenery and the fresh air. Relena rode in front on the mare, stopping to point out landscape features or squeal happily about the wildlife they passed. 

After an hour, he was lulled into a trance by the steady march of his horse and the beautiful view, when suddenly he was jolted awake by Relena talking to him again. "What--?" he said distractedly.

She sighed. "I said, do you want to pick up the pace a little? I'll race you back home."

"Okay," he said agreeably, and almost immediately was nearly run over by Relena and Sugar as they turned and galloped past him down the pathway. Bullet, who would not be outdone, reared up into the air angrily. Heero was startled and barely had time to grip the reins to keep himself from falling off the saddle. He nearly yelled as they tore down the trail after Relena. After a minute, though, he got himself oriented again and leaned forward against Bullet's neck, following his instincts. Bullet responded by going faster. The yell became a whoop of delight as the two wild creatures raced along as one. This was thrilling. It was better than blowing up mobile suits in outer space.

They passed Sugar and soon were leading by three lengths, with Relena fading into the background rapidly. He saw a glimpse of the stable buildings ahead through the trees and sat up, pulling back to slow down the horse. They stopped, Bullet's sides heaving, to wait for Relena and Sugar to catch up. When they trotted into sight, Heero grinned devilishly and led the party at a normal pace back to the stables.

Jake was waiting for them. His eyes widened when he saw Heero ride into the yard. "You rode Bullet?" he asked incredulously. "Your first time? He's hard even for me to handle!"

Heero dismounted and patted Bullet's neck. "I've ridden before. He was fun, though."

Relena led Sugar over to the two men. "I think they understand each other." 

Jake scratched his head. "Well, if you ever want to…feel free to take him out again. He can use the exercise and discipline."

"Thank you, sir."

"Call me Jake."

Relena nudged Heero in the arm. "Let's get these two cleaned up."

The two of them led their horses into the stables to be unsaddled and brushed.

***

Heero spent the next three months living in the white room at Relena's mansion. Every day he got up early and spent a long time in the gym before going down to breakfast, slowly but steadily building up his strength again. Relena preferred to do her workouts in the evenings when she got home, so they never saw each other in there. They ate meals together and talked a lot, about the issues she had to address at work and about the overall political and social state of the world. On her days off, they would get out of the house and go to the zoo, or go hiking, or play tennis, or go horseback riding. Heero spent his days alone reading or wandering the countryside around the estate.

He enjoyed taking it easy for once, but as the days passed, the novelty wore off and he started to get restless. He started wondering about the other former gundam pilots and how they were coping with their new life. The weights in Relena's gym were getting too light for him, and he started running, farther and farther each day, and swimming laps in her pool until the pool felt so small that it seemed he was doing more turning around than swimming. The books in her house didn't hold his attention, and he was always fidgeting. He felt like a wild tiger trying to escape its cage.

Finally, one night at dinner, he put down his fork and looked Relena in the eyes. "I want to go find the others."

She contemplated him for a minute, then sighed. "I can find their locations for you to the best of my ability tomorrow, while I'm at work."

He stared. "It only takes you one day? You could have had them already."

She looked slightly hurt, but tried to smile mischievously. "I thought I'd wait until you asked me, first."

He shrugged. "All right. Thank you." 

He went back to eating without another word. He didn't notice Relena still watching him, blinking rapidly once or twice, and then the tiny sigh that escaped her lips before she went back to eating.

***

Relena walked in the front door at five-thirty the next evening, briefcase in hand, feeling about a hundred years old. Heero came in through the back door an hour later, breathing heavily and sweating from his daily cross-country run. He excused himself to shower and change, and was back in the downstairs sitting room within fifteen minutes, clean and groomed as much as he would ever be. He wasted hardly any time with pleasantries, obviously very impatient to hear the news.

"So what could you find?"

Relena drew herself up to her full height and willed herself to keep calm. _He has no idea how I feel. He just wants to see his friends again._ She opened her briefcase and removed a printout. "Trowa is with a circus troupe currently touring the former France. They'll be on Earth for another three weeks, and then are scheduled to go to the L3 colony cluster. Duo is living in the L2 cluster, running a salvage business. Quatre is still at home at L4. I looked and looked, but I couldn't locate Wufei anywhere. That's all I have." She gave him the sheet.

"I can find Wufei." He folded the paper and put it in the pocket of his jeans. "I appreciate the hospitality you've shown me for the last few months, Relena. I'll repay you someday."

Her eyes went very wide. "You're not leaving _right now_, are you?"

He looked at her in confusion. "Why not?"

"Well…you…you should at least get a good night's sleep first!" she blurted. "You can leave tomorrow morning, and get an early start!" _Nice recovery_, she thought.

Heero considered, and then nodded in acquiescence. "You're right. I'll leave first thing tomorrow morning."

Pagan popped his head in the door leading to the dining room. "If you'll excuse me, Miss Relena, supper is ready."

They ate in silence and didn't talk for the rest of that night.

***

Heero was up with the sun the next morning, or he would have been, except that the sky was covered in murky grey clouds that threatened rain. The weather didn't sober his mood, though. He showered quickly and dressed in his own jeans, tank top and yellow runners for his journey. He walked downstairs and was assaulted by the silence. Pagan and Relena were nowhere in sight. He had somehow expected them to be there before he left. 

__

Oh, well, he thought with a shrug. _I don't need their send-off. I never have before._ He ignored the eerie quiet and walked into the kitchen, letting the door swing shut behind him. A bowl of steaming porridge was sitting on the table. He furrowed his brow. _Hot food, but no butler. Fine, then. _He sat down and ate, relishing the warm feeling as it hit his stomach. 

After depositing the dirty dishes in the sink, he walked out of the kitchen and into the front hallway. Sitting next to the front door were a blue nylon jacket and a brown canvas backpack. There were three days worth of fresh food and a week's worth of dry rations inside the backpack, as well as a map, compass, first aid kit, and $500. He pulled out the money. _I don't want this…_ But if he knew Relena, she'd never let him return it even if she was around to return it to. With a glimmer of guilt, he put the money back in the backpack, threw on the jacket, and walked out the front door, closing it softly behind him.

The rain had just started, and as he walked down the driveway to the road, he was battered by drops of cold water. He got to the end of the driveway and stopped. He was about to turn around and look back at the house, but he stopped himself in time. _Don't look back, Heero. You can't go back now._ Although for the life of him, he couldn't figure out exactly why he was dreading the next step. He took it anyway, and was walking south along the empty road before he could regret what he was doing.

*

Relena stood with her head resting against the cream-coloured wall as she stared out the window at the driveway below. She was in her home office on the second floor, watching Heero and biting her lip as she twisted the sheer curtain anxiously in her hands. She watched Heero stop at the end of the driveway and her heart lifted. _Please look back, please look back at me…_ But the moment passed and he stepped onto the road, walking away from her. She exhaled sadly and dropped the curtain, squeezing her eyes shut as she relied on the wall for support.

Pagan's voice penetrated her misery from where he stood, by her desk. "Miss Relena, if you don't mind my asking, why didn't you say goodbye to him?"

She didn't look at the old man, just trained her eyes on the retreating figure outside. Her voice was hollow. "I didn't want to interfere. If I had been there this morning, he might not have…" She swallowed. "I didn't want to risk holding him back. He needs this. I haven't got what he needs. Not right now."

"I see." 

They were both quiet for a moment. Relena's vision blurred and she blinked back tears. She looked for Heero again, once her eyes cleared, but he was no longer visible. _Gone…_ She turned away from the window and walked to her desk, shuffling papers around aimlessly as she tried not to think.

"Pagan, I have a lot of work to do today. I don't wish to be disturbed."

"Yes, Miss Relena." The butler bowed and walked to the door. At the threshold, though, he stopped and turned back to her. "Miss…?"

She looked up from the report she was staring at. "Yes?"

"Do you think Master Yuy will return?"

She was silent for a moment, staring at him sadly, but her answer was the quiet, controlled monotone of a woman who wouldn't let disappointment interfere for long. "I don't know, Pagan. I just don't know."

**********


	3. Chapter 3

Feels Like Home

__

By Shikata ga nai

~*~

Four days of hitchhiking later, Heero was standing on a cobbled street in the village of St.-Gengoux, examining a poster stapled to a lamp post. On it was a black-and-white picture of a young woman with dark, curly hair. She was wearing a frilly dress and posed with three knives in one hand as she winked at the camera. Heero touched the picture as a memory teased him; of waking up from a fog of unconsciousness to see Relena--no, wait, it was this girl--knitting in front of the TV. 

__

'Oh, you're awake! Wait here. I'll go get Trowa right now.'

'Trowa?'

'Don't. You can't get out of bed yet. Trowa! Your friend woke up. Hey, are you hungry? I'll get you some soup, OK?'

Heero blinked, removed his hand from the poster, and walked down the tiny street towards a colourful sea of tents in the distance.

He got to the circus area and joined the end of a long line of happily chattering locals. After he paid his entry fee, he sauntered casually into the big top with his backpack over his shoulder, and found an empty seat in the stands for himself. The rest of the crowd streamed in behind him and took their seats noisily. He was beginning to get impatient with the excess of rowdy people cramming themselves inside when the spotlight winked on to reveal the ringmaster, a portly man with a red suit and a beard. 

"Ladies and gentlemen!" he boomed in a baritone. "Tonight, we are proud to present to you a show more thrilling and dangerous, electrifying, mystifying, and heart-pounding than you've ever seen in the Earth Sphere!"

The crowd cheered, clapped, and whistled in excited anticipation.

The ringmaster smiled. "For the first act, we bring you a spectacle from one of the hottest regions of this globe. These bloodthirsty predators hungrily prowl the dusty plains of Africa, hunting the antelope that abound there. It takes nerves of steel to face down these giant cats; a feat accomplished here and here alone by…The Great Manziniiii!" He stood back to reveal another spotlight winking on. A tall, dark man stood among cages of great shaggy lions with a whip in his hand, and, after taking a bow, proceeded to make the lions do tricks with balls and hoops. Heero found the whole performance rather lacklustre, though the children around him were enjoying it.

After an elephant parade, three clowns in a car, and a highwire act that Heero couldn't deny was impressive, they came to the finale, the show that he had come to see. The ringmaster came into the ring and began his speech again. "And now, our final performance for this evening. The spectacle you've all been waiting for. A stalwart young man will stand against this target…" he gestured towards a large painted circle standing upright on the floor, "and brave the danger as a sharpshooting young damsel throws incredibly sharp knives at the target from ten metres away!" He paused for effect as a woman in a frilly pink and purple dress and a young man in a clown mask and costume entered the ring to take their respective places. He then walked over to the woman and placed a hand on her shoulder. 

"She has the deadliest aim in the Earth Sphere and is as graceful and dangerous as a wild tiger, but as sweet and charming as a fawn. Please give a warm welcome to _Catherine_!" Catherine stepped forward and waved and blew kisses as the audience clapped and whistled. 

When the applause died down, the ringmaster moved towards the clown standing next to the target. "This young man is a great acrobat with nerves of steel. Able to face any danger, please say hello to _Trowa_!" The audience clapped again as the clown waved. Heero just sat and stared. _Trowa…_

"Now, if we can have a volunteer from the audience…" the ringmaster gestured at Catherine to go choose one as the men in the crowd cheered and jostled to be the one chosen. Heero was jolted out of his reverie as she came right up to him and tugged his arm. 

"Come on, honey, let's see your smile," she whispered as she led him into the ring amongst thunderous applause and wolf whistles. 

The ringmaster approached Heero with a black case, which he opened to reveal six knives nestled in red velvet. He removed one and held it above his head for the crowd to see. "These are real knives, folks, and very sharp. This young man will verify that for you!" He handed the knife to Heero and told him to have a look.

Heero inspected it and found it to be a perfectly normal double-edged knife, except for the unique balancing. "It looks real," he said.

The old man grinned. Catherine reached up to her head, plucked a hair, and handed it to him. Heero held it up against the blade of the knife and watched it pare in two against the unyielding metal. "Very sharp," he confirmed, and handed it back to Catherine.

"There you have it, folks!" the ringmaster boomed as Catherine led Heero back to his seat amidst applause. "One hundred percent real knives!"

The clamour died again and the audience waited restlessly as Trowa was strapped to the target. The half of his face that wasn't masked might as well have been chiseled out of stone, for all the emotion it held. Catherine accepted all six knives from the case and took her mark, staring intensely at her target. A hush fell over the crowd as she shifted one knife to her right hand, brought it across her body, and released. A gasp echoed through the big top as the weapon found its mark half an inch above Trowa's left arm. Heero was impressed.

The next knife lodged in the plywood next to the right side of the clown's torso. Still he showed no emotion, didn't even flinch as she threw it with deadly velocity. _Perfect trust…or a death wish._ Heero wouldn't throw away the second possibility. _Once a gundam pilot, always a gundam pilot._

The girl in the ring threw a third knife. It landed with a _thunk_ between his knees, which were six inches separated. The audience clapped and cheered as the ringmaster spoke again. "Now we ask for complete silence as Catherine prepares for her next trick. She will attempt to throw three knives at the target simultaneously. Complete concentration is needed. This is an incredibly dangerous trick, not to be re-enacted anywhere. Do not try this at home."

The crowd hushed obediently, and Heero could have heard a fly sneeze as Catherine breathed deeply, calming herself for the throw. She held up the three knives in her right hand and watched her target for an eternity. The tension in the big top was palpable as they waited. She took a deep breath and flicked her arm forwards; a neat _thunkthunkthunk_ could be heard, and silence prevailed for five seconds before the tent erupted. Trowa had a knife embedded in the plywood above his head and one beside each ear. The noise was deafening as the crowd clapped, cheered and whistled shrilly in appreciation. Catherine stepped forward and took a bow. Trowa was disengaged from the circle and went to stand next to her; they joined hands and bowed again. Heero clapped; he was impressed by her skill. _That was some shot._

As the noisy, happy crowd spilled out into the evening sunshine, Heero slipped out of the flood of people and made his way to the back of the circus camp, where the trailers and cages were. Performers and crew bustled around as Catherine and Trowa stood talking to the ringmaster. He heard the conversation as he approached.

"--excellent show tonight. You two should be proud of that performance."

"We are, Manager. That was a great audience." Catherine beamed as she drank from a water bottle.

"I'm glad you finally got that trick smoothed out, Cathy." The old man rumbled good-naturedly.

"I was having problems with my concentration, but I think we're good now…" She suddenly noticed Heero lingering beside a tent rope and waved to him. He joined them obediently and she smiled. "You're that guy from the show tonight. You did a great job with that knife. You really know your stuff, huh?" 

Heero stared at the ground. "I've…had experience."

"See here," said Manager, "what brings you back here? If you're looking for autographs, I'm sorry. This area is for circus staff only."

Trowa finally spoke up. "He's a friend of mine, Manager. He's just come to visit."

The man nodded. "All right then. He can stay. You two get some rest tonight. We have another show tomorrow."

They all said, 'Good night,' and then Trowa addressed Heero as Manager walked away. "Long time no see, Heero Yuy. Come on, let's go get something to eat."

***

"…So you've spent the last four months living with Relena?" Trowa sipped his coffee.

"Yes. It took me almost that long to recover."

"Almost?"

"I wanted to be sure." Heero said somewhat defensively.

"Makes sense," Trowa conceded, but Heero thought he saw a twinkle in the emerald of Trowa's visible eye as he swirled his cup around in his hand. "What brings you here, then?"

"I needed somewhere to go. I thought I'd check up on the rest of you and make sure you were all coping with the new situation."

"You're really too kind." Trowa said sarcastically. "Are _you_ coping?"

"I've spent a quarter of my coping time unconscious, so I really can't say anything definitive yet."

"Of course." Trowa got up from the kitchen table to refill his cup. "So how long were you planning to stay here?"

"That depends." Heero surrendered his cup to the coffee pot in the other boy's hand.

"We leave the planet in about two weeks for L3. I don't know if you want to go there or not."

"We'll see. Have you had contact with any of the others?"

Trowa shook his head. "I did hear that Wufei joined the Preventers with Sally, though. If that helps."

Heero was surprised. "You haven't even talked to Quatre?"

Trowa fixed a cool green stare on him. "No…why is that surprising?"

Heero blinked. "You two just always seemed…close," he said, casting about for an appropriate word.

"Yeah, well…" Trowa shrugged, relaxing his defensive posture. "Things change."

Heero wisely didn't pursue the subject. Instead he got up from the table. "It's late."

"Cathy's made up the pull-out bed in the couch for you. It's not the greatest, but it beats a damp cave."

"You've slept in damp caves?"

"No. Just supposing. Good night."

***

Heero was roused at six the next morning by sounds in the Bloom trailer's kitchen. He got up, pulled on his clothes, and shuffled in to see Catherine cooking breakfast. She turned around when she heard him enter. 

"Trowa's just in the shower," she said. She was dressed in a pink tank top and cut-off jeans, poking at eggs in the frying pan. "I wonder if these are done…"

Heero came up behind her, looked in the frying pan, prodded them himself with the fork, and pronounced them done. 

"Thank you," she said happily, and went to work on making toast. Heero sat down at the table with a cup of fresh coffee and waited for his comrade to make an entrance.

"'Morning," Trowa said as he sat down at the table. Catherine set his food down in front of him, followed by a matching plate for Heero. "Thanks." He took a small bite of egg and his eyes widened. "These are good!" He turned around to face her. "These are the best eggs I've ever tasted."

Catherine blushed. "Heero helped."

"Please cook all the time, Heero," Trowa whispered. "She's horrible at it. I can't bring myself to say anything."

"Hn," Heero replied with the tiniest smirk, and took a bite of toast.

***

"He wants a job?" Manager repeated skeptically.

Trowa was patient. "It may be just until we go to L3. He needs a place to stay. He works hard."

Manager scrutinized the former Zero pilot. "Heero, is it? What's your talent? You're not bad looking, but we still need to work you into the show somewhere…"

Trowa cut in. "He's, uh, not much of a performer. But he'd be good behind the scenes. We need someone with the elephants, since Vinnie left."

Manager frowned at them both for a minute, then conceded. "All right, kid, you've got a job. But keep quiet, do as you're told, and don't screw up, or you're gone." He walked away without another word and went to supervise a cleaning crew in the big top.

Trowa rubbed his eyes wearily. "He's not that bad, really. He's like a father to Cathy. Come on, I'll go show you what to do."

***

Cleaning up after the elephants might not have been fulfilling, but it kept Heero fed and housed for the next two weeks, and he earned a small income to supplement the money he'd brought with him. One hot day, he was hosing down Susie, the female pachyderm, when Catherine approached him. 

"We pack up and leave for L3 tomorrow. Are you coming with us?"

Heero shut off the hose and considered. "Yes," he said finally.

She contemplated him as he refilled the elephant's water bucket. "You could stay with us, you know."

"I am. I'm going to L3 with you tomorrow."

"No. I mean you have a home here, if you want it. For good. Manager likes you; you work hard. You could start practicing on the high wire and be in the show." She came closer, her hair shining red in the bright sunlight. "It's not a bad life. You get used to it."

"I don't mind it," he agreed. He couldn't help but notice the way she stood, less than a foot away from him, in a light blue T-shirt and cut-off shorts. She was very pretty, especially standing there just so, petting the elephant and talking to her affectionately… Heero shook his head as if to clear it. She stood there looking at him expectantly, her hand resting against Susie's wrinkly grey side. "I-I'll think about it," was all he could manage.

Catherine beamed and rested her hand on his shoulder briefly before she walked away. When she was gone, Heero splashed water on his face from Susie's bucket while the elephant flicked her tail at him.

***

The next day was hectic as the whole circus, from janitors to strongmen to midgets, took the show apart and packed it into trailers for the trip to the spaceport, 100 miles away. Heero was able to avoid Catherine until they piled into the back of a truck to leave. She sat between him and Trowa and chattered happily to everybody nearby. Heero managed to ignore her closeness by talking to a midget named Henry sitting on his other side. Henry had a university degree in nuclear physics, and they carried on an excellent conversation about jet propulsion and mobile suits for the best part of the ride.

They got to the spaceport and loaded the circus into a cargo shuttle, and then Heero and Trowa managed to escape to a secluded area of the port to talk before they took off.

"So what now, Heero?" Trowa asked.

"I don't know. I thought I'd see who I could track down from here."

"You're not going to stay?"

"No."

"Cathy will be disappointed."

Heero shifted uncomfortably. "It's time to move on. I appreciate what you've done for me."

Trowa nodded, and then displayed one of the rare, deep flashes of understanding that he was prone to having, but didn't often admit to. "I hope you find what you're looking for."

Heero was unnerved, and glad that Trowa hadn't named the thing that he was looking for, though truthfully, he wasn't sure that _he_ knew what that thing was. "Thanks. I have to get going, now. Say goodbye for me."

Trowa nodded, and Heero shouldered his backpack and walked away through the busy spaceport. He didn't look back at Trowa, he didn't even hesitate. He boarded a shuttle about to leave for Colony B04678, the location of Preventer Headquarters.

**********


	4. Chapter 4

Feels Like Home

__

By Shikata ga nai

~*~

Heero breathed deeply of the fresh country air around him as he hiked along the pathway that led up a steep hillside. The path was flanked on both sides by tall stands of bamboo, rattling quietly in the breeze. He came out of the wood unexpectedly on the top of the hill, and saw a medium sized house perched on the crown on heavy bamboo poles. He climbed the short ladder that led to the porch and pulled on the tasselled rope that hung next to the door.

The sound of bells tinkling echoed from inside, and a few minutes later, the door opened. The young man standing on the other side was about Heero's height, with his long black hair hanging loose around his ears and a book dangling from one hand, his place in it marked by a finger between the pages. He took off his glasses and nodded at Heero. "Hello."

If Wufei was surprised to see him, he hid it very well. Heero swapped his sneakers for straw house sandals and followed him inside. 

"I was just thinking about making tea, anyway," Wufei remarked over his shoulder as he walked into the kitchen. He filled a kettle with water and relit the embers in the fireplace, putting the kettle on to heat. Heero, who had abandoned his jacket and backpack at the front door, pulled out a chair and sat down at the wooden table. Wufei joined him. "This place is supposed to be impossible to find. So how long did it take you?"

"About two weeks. I got lost in the interior for a few days." Heero admitted.

"Lost? You? Now there's a story."

Heero sighed. "I hitched a ride with somebody and he dropped me off in the middle of nowhere, about a hundred miles south of where he said he would. My map didn't describe the area and I had to find a village."

Wufei grinned. "How did you know I was here, though? Sally was the only person who I told where I was going."

"She told me."

Wufei scowled. "Stupid woman."

"It took a lot of convincing to get her to do it, though," Heero lied. In reality, she had been happy that Heero was going to check up on Wufei, and had asked Heero to let her know how he was doing. "Why are you out here, anyway? I thought you had joined the Preventers."

Wufei got up to check the water in the kettle, frowned, and pushed it back over the fire. "I was tired, and I decided I needed some time alone, with no major responsibilities, to work things out for myself. I left my location with Sally in case I was ever needed in an emergency." He looked around the room happily. "I like it here. The village is at the base of the hill, and nobody bothers me. News doesn't get here very fast. They don't know that I was a gundam pilot and they wouldn't care if they did. Everybody's a farmer here. It's a simple life."

"Are you ever going back?"

"I should go back someday. They can use my help with the Preventers…but I'll always have this place. I think when I retire I'll come back and live here again." 

They were both quiet for a while, listening to the kettle hiss in the silence. It started to boil and Wufei got up to make the tea. He put a cup in front of Heero and sat down across from him again, placidly sipping his tea. "Why are you here, anyway? What have you been doing with yourself?"

Heero patiently explained his story up to asking Sally where the former 05 pilot was hiding, and said that he was checking on all of the other pilots to see how they were handling their new situation.

"Uh-huh," Wufei said, his voice dripping with disbelief. "You stayed with Relena for four months and left without saying goodbye?"

Heero fidgeted with embarrassment. "She wasn't even around when I left."

Wufei shook his head. "_You are so stupid_," he muttered under his breath into his tea.

"What was that?"

"Nothing. So, why don't you go clean up? You can use the rest of this hot water to wash up if you cool it down with the cold water in the bucket over there. I'll go set up a bed for you." Wufei finished his tea and left the kitchen, leaving Heero to his own devices. Heero pulled the kettle off the hook by the fire and carried it over to the washbasin in the corner.

***

Once Heero had cleaned himself up, he took his backpack into the room Wufei showed him and sat down on the cot. He looked around him; the room was ten paces square and three of the walls were lined with bookshelves full of multicoloured, leather-bound volumes. The fourth wall held a window, draped with red and gold curtains that mirrored the colours of the sunset outside. A small, round, lacquered table stood in the opposite corner from the bed. A chess board sat on it, the ivory pieces lined up in rows like silent sentries. 

__

Better than the last two weeks' worth of sleeping quarters, he thought with a yawn. He pulled the curtains to block the remaining light, shed his clothes, and climbed into bed. Before long, his thoughts faded into the comfortable darkness of sleep.

***

"Have you given any thought to what you're going to do?" Wufei asked as he moved his white queen two spaces.

Heero glanced up from the chessboard in confusion, his deep blue eyes filled with puzzlement. "I'm going to go find Quatre and Duo. I told you that. Or if you mean right now, I'm going to move my bishop here…" He picked up the piece and used it to take Wufei's rook.

"I mean after you're done babysitting us. Do you have any plans for the future?" Heero had been staying at Wufei's for a week, participating in the other boy's frugal and scholarly life.

"I've never had a future to think about, before. It was always war and battles and escaping enemy confinement. I've never thought more than two steps ahead of myself, because if a plan goes wrong and has to be abandoned, that's a lot of wasted thought and time."

"That's a beautiful philosophy, except that you aren't in a war anymore and you know it. It's time to start thinking about what happens to you down the road. And to develop yourself as a person instead of a heartless machine." After a lot of thought, Wufei took a black bishop with his one remaining knight.

"Develop myself?"

"What's your religion, Yuy?"

Heero looked at him blankly.

"Haven't you ever had an occasion to offer a prayer or thanks to a god or spirit that's special to you?"

Another empty stare.

"Do you know what religion _means_?"

"Religion: the belief in and worship of a god or gods, or any such system of belief and worship." The perfect soldier's voice was monotone as he recited.

Wufei pressed his fingers against his temples. "That's great, Yuy. Your memory is excellent. That's what religion is, in the dictionary, but it goes deeper than that."

"Really." Heero's voice was skeptical.

"Yes, really. I…look." At a loss for acceptable words, Wufei got up from his cushion on the floor and walked to a bookshelf by Heero's bed. Running his finger along the spines of the books, he scanned them methodically before stopping and seizing one with a green cover. He brought it back over to the chess board and held it out. "Here," he said. "Read this. Maybe it will give you some more insight into what I'm saying. As a matter of fact, feel free to read any of the books in here. They're all about religion, philosophy, and politics."

Heero took the book and read the title on the spine. "_Insight Into Modern Religion and Spiritualism_?"

Wufei smirked. "Something a little more scientific to get you started. Yuy, we're going to turn you into a human being."

***

Heero spent his waking hours for the next three months learning everything he could about organized religion and philosophy. Politics weren't as much of a problem. He simply practiced his new-found insightfulness by discussing the societal and philosophical aspects of it, rather than the usual, bare-bones 'cause and effect' he was used to.

Wufei taught him how to meditate, as well as engaging him in regular discussions and encouraging him to read the books in the library. When book learning got wearisome, they burned off excess energy by sparring, hand-to-hand and with weapons. Heero learned kung fu inside and out, and Wufei was even able to teach him some of the theories and spiritual influences behind karate, as Heero refined Wufei's moves and technique.

Heero was soaking it all up like a sponge. Everything around him suddenly held more meaning, was more real somehow, now that he had an inquiring mind that wondered, 'why?' instead of simply, 'what?' He was especially interested in learning about the Japanese ideology of Shinto, and found that a lot of the ideas appealed to him on a deep level.

One day, the boys were out walking a familiar path through the countryside, chatting idly, when Wufei unearthed the old question again. "What are you going to do with your future, Yuy?"

Heero sighed and stopped, choosing to sit under a tree in the sunshine instead of walking. He didn't answer his comrade, though, simply plucked a blade of grass and played with it absently.

Wufei sat down beside him and decided to go step by step. "Have you given any thought to where you'd like to live?"

Heero shook his head.

"You're from L1, correct?"

"That's the first place I remember being. I didn't have my parents with me at the time, so that's not necessarily true. There's something about the colonies anyway…something…" He gestured with his hands aimlessly, looking for the word he wanted. "Fake."

Wufei grinned ruefully. "They're for protecting, not for living on."

Heero threw his blade of grass at the other teenager's head.

Wufei thought some more. "Well, you're ethnic Japanese, and you seem to like what you've read about Shinto and the former Japan. Why don't you go there? You fit in here; you'd probably fit in there."

Heero sighed. "'Fitting in' is not really possible for me."

"Why not?" Wufei was interested.

"All my life, I've been alone. A situation comes along, I see how I can adapt to it, for survival or for the mission. I've never 'fit' anywhere. I've been all over the Earth Sphere and the colonies. Nowhere feels like home. I don't fit, I just adapt." He went silent and stared at the clouds drifting through the sky, while Wufei contemplated him sadly. Suddenly, he got up, muttered something about 'needing some exercise,' and took off at a sprint down the trail away from Wufei's house.

"Heero, I never really understood your pain before now. But right now, I think I understand it better than even you do," Wufei said softly, gazing after the runaway. "I can think of somewhere where you _do_ fit in. You've lost it; you just have to find it again for yourself." _You miss her…_

***

Wufei leaned his head against the wooden doorframe. "You're leaving."

"Yes." Heero packed his backpack, looked around the room once, and walked past Wufei into the front hallway of the house. It was the morning after their talk under the tree; the atmosphere since Heero had come home, sweating and breathing heavily, was tense.

Silence took over while Heero walked outside to put on his shoes. He was just about to climb down the ladder from the porch when Wufei spoke. "Heero."

Heero turned around.

"…Say hello to Quatre and Maxwell for me."

He nodded and climbed down the ladder. Soon his head disappeared below the crest of the hill. Wufei watched after him for a moment, then shook his head wearily and turned away.

**********


	5. Chapter 5

Feels Like Home

__

By Shikata ga nai

~*~

"I'll only take on hard workers. If you slack off, we'll dump you at the next port. I don't care where it is."

"Yes sir."

The shuttle captain scratched the stubble on his chin, considering the boy in front of him. The kid was skinny, and had messy hair and a rebellious glint in his eyes. Somehow, though, he was reminded of another kid with a similar appearance, who overcame the odds against him and eventually became a successful captain on one of the best cargo shuttles in the colonies. _You can't forget the people who made you what you are,_ he thought. He sighed with resignation. "All right, you're hired. You'll be paid in cash, and you start right now. Go help load those crates over there."

The kid nodded and soon was hoisting crates alone that should have taken two men his size to lift. The captain's eyes widened. _He's stronger than he looks…_ But the voice of a crewman behind him pulled him back to the task of pre-takeoff preparations, and he quickly forgot about it.

***

__

This is passable, Heero thought, as he wound his way through the busy corridors of the ship that night. _I'll work my way to L4 on this shuttle, and make some extra money while I'm at it._ He found his quarters and opened the door. _Mission accepted…_ He froze, shook his head, and threw his backpack and jacket on the small cot in his room. The walls were covered with aesthetically unappetizing silver space insulation, and the whole room was little more than a broom closet with a bed. But it was warm and dry, and free. He stifled a yawn and decided he'd better go to bed. 

The sliding door was still open; he shut it and discovered he was blind. With instinctive panic he hit the 'Door Close' button again. The door whooshed open and he could see again. Heero glared at the light above the doorframe. It was controlled by the button. The only button in the room. And it was the only light. He sighed and shut the door again, then stood in the blanketing darkness and searched the pockets of his jeans. There were certain things he liked to always keep with him; his gun was one of them, but that wasn't what he wanted just now.

He smirked when his hand closed around the object he wanted. He drew it out of his pocket and pressed a button on it. A tiny beam of light lanced through the air, collecting in a golden pool on the shiny insulated wall across from him. He used the mini flashlight to search his backpack until he found his screwdriver. 

Ten minutes later, Heero stood triumphantly in his room behind a closed door, admiring the light fixture shining from above the entrance. He flipped the makeshift switch that was now on the wall. The light winked out. He flipped it again and the light came on. 

"Hn," he grunted with satisfaction. He undressed quickly and got into bed, then leaned over and shut the light off, ready for sleep. It was amazing, what a person could do with the metal clip from a pen lid, two rubber bands, and a screwdriver.

***

Heero was fourth from the front of the line. Then he was third. Then second. Finally he stood at the front and watched the captain count out the wages of the man ahead of him and mark the transaction carefully in a book. Now it was his turn.

"Ten, twenty, thirty, forty…and fifty." The captain looked at him gravely as he handed over the week's pay. "You've earned it, son. I'm glad to have you with the crew. Keep up the good work." Heero nodded and accepted the money. He felt a whisper of guilt as he walked back to his quarters with it, because when the ship docked on the colony that the Winner family lived on the next day, he would be gone without a backward glance. As far as most of the crew was concerned, he didn't care that they existed, but he had developed a sort of bond with the middle-aged captain in their encounters over the past two weeks.

Heero wouldn't actually admit it to himself, but he could have abandoned the ship the week before when it docked on a colony close to Quatre's. He had chosen not to, reasoning that if he waited another seven days, he could get there without spending money or finding another mode of transportation, but in a little chamber hidden deep inside himself, he wondered if that was the real reason he'd stayed on board.

He opened the door of his room to face darkness. That was the only problem, he thought as he turned on the light and shut the door. The light didn't come on anymore when you opened the door. If someone were to open it from the outside, they might think the bulb was dead. _Oh well_. He shrugged. That was the price you paid for tinkering with things. He was pretty sure it was reversible, if you knew how circuits worked. By the time anybody noticed it, he'd be long gone anyways. Heero hid away his money and left his room, walking down the corridor to the mess hall for his last supper.

***

The butler looked down his nose at Heero like he had just crawled out of a dumpster. "I'm sorry, young man, but Master Winner has informed me that he does not want to have any…_visitors_…today." He made to close the heavy, wooden front door, but was abruptly stopped when Heero blocked it with a foot and an arm.

"Please tell him Heero's come to see him!" he said sharply to the arrogant old man. "It's important!" he added as he struggled against the butler's formidable weight on the door, trying to seek assistance on the other side. 

"Yes, I'm sure it's a matter of the utmost importance," the butler snarled in his snooty English accent. "You've probably come to leech off of poor Master Winner's charity, haven't you?"

Heero fought the urge to rip the smug look off the other man's face. "I'm an old friend, I have my own money, and _I need to talk to Quatre!_"

The butler didn't budge, and the two men stood there in a silent stand-off, the butler wearing an icy expression while Heero gave him a full-force deathglare. Their feud was interrupted by light footsteps on a nearby staircase, followed by Quatre's voice. 

"Edward, what's the ma--_Heero!_" Quatre's face lit up when he saw his old comrade standing half inside the threshold of his house. He ran forward. "Heero, what are you doing here? Come in!" He led Heero by the arm up the stairs, and the Japanese boy just had time to smirk triumphantly at the stunned and seething butler before he was whisked out of sight.

***

Quatre poured tea for them both and sat back in the armchair. Heero looked with polite interest around the elegant parlour while they sipped tea in silence. After a minute, Quatre set down his tea and beamed. "So, what brings you here?"

"I'm travelling around, visiting the other gundam pilots to see that they're getting along all right since the war. I've already visited Trowa and Wufei."

Quatre leaned forward in his chair a bit too eagerly. "How's Trowa doing?"

"He's fine," Heero said reassuringly. "He's with Catherine's circus troupe. She takes good care of him."

The Winner heir nodded. "That's good. Good to hear…" he said softly.

Heero looked around him. "It looks to me like you're managing," he said, gesturing with one hand at the mansion around him.

The other boy smiled. "It's a full time job to look after the estate. I don't have time to get into trouble anymore." He laughed, and then glanced at the clock on the wall. "Speaking of which, I have a few things I need to take care of. I'll show you to the guest room. You'll have to amuse yourself until supper." He gave Heero an apologetic look.

Heero waved him off. "That doesn't bother me. You go do your work."

"Thanks, Heero. Your room is just down the hall, here…" Quatre led him to the dark, paneled wooden door and showed him the interior. After pointing out the bathroom, he left Heero to go and attend to his finances. Twenty steps away, he stopped and called back over his shoulder. "Oh, and Heero? Please don't heckle the staff _too_ much. The good ones are hard to find."

***

Heero found the dining room in time for supper and studied a painting on the wall while he waited for his host to appear. The voice that finally said his name was not Quatre's, but was familiar enough to make him turn around with a start.

"Dorothy?" Heero stared incredulously at the girl with the amazing eyebrows, and wondered how she had gotten into Quatre's house.

"Delighted to see you again, Heero," she said with a smile. "Are you enjoying all of your new-found free time?"

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

Dorothy grinned. "Such a charmer. I live here, silly!"

Quatre made his entrance just in time to see Heero's horrified expression to that remark. He cursed himself quietly and ran over to the two of them. "Heero! I'm so sorry, I forgot to tell you…!"

Dorothy finished his sentence by slipping under Quatre's arm to hug his waist. "Good job, dear. Gave him a bit of a shock, didn't you?" She looked at Quatre fondly.

Heero recovered quickly and looked at Quatre. "So she…"

"…Lives here, yes. Since everybody went their separate ways. Actually, she showed up one day with a petition, stayed for dinner, and, well…here we are today."

Heero raised an eyebrow just enough for the young Arab man to notice. Quatre cleared his throat loudly and suggested that they sit down, adding that Rassid was expected for supper and would be there soon. Almost immediately, another man entered the room. 

"Rassid! Sit down! We were just talking about you. You're just in time for supper." Quatre got up and embraced the burly Maganac gratefully. Rassid returned the gesture and took a seat at the table. He said hello to Heero and they talked for a few moments until the food arrived. Edward set plates of roast duck in front of them, with a special glare for Heero, and they all tucked in hungrily. 

They discussed the war and the aftermath of it, Rassid in particular talking about how the Maganacs had destroyed their mobile suits and were now masterminding a Middle Eastern disarmament program, with great success.

"I'm so glad to see that mankind is finally well on our way towards total pacifism," Quatre said happily.

Dorothy snorted. She looked at Heero as she spoke. "Total pacifism…I'm sorry, Quatre, but I don't think that will ever be a reality. Human nature will not allow it. It is our instinct to fight." She smirked, her eyes glittering fiendishly. "If all the world's a stage, and the men and women merely players…then total pacifism is Shakespeare's sixth act." The smirk became a guileless smile, and she started eating again.

Quatre frowned at her. "I still think you're wrong, Dorothy. But I know that you don't like war either. You're just cynical."

Rassid sighed heavily. "We have yet to see what will come of this new state of things. All we can do right now is hope that the human race can overcome our instinct, if it is as Miss Dorothy says."

Heero's face remained expressionless as he chewed his food, gazing at the top of Dorothy's blonde head across the table.

***

Quatre hummed quietly to himself, twiddling a pencil as he stared at the long list of numbers in front of him. A knock on his office door brought him out of his reverie and he sprang up to answer it, expecting Edward with a pile of mail, but instead, ice blue eyes stared at him from the other side of the threshold.

"Can I come in?" Heero asked.

"Of course." Quatre opened the door wide to admit his friend. "Sit down. What's the matter?"

Heero ignored the proffered chair and remained standing. "I'm leaving in the morning."

Quatre sat down at his desk. "Oh. But…you've only been here for three days. Why are you going so soon?"

Heero shrugged. "I feel like it's time to go. I don't want to overstay my welcome."

Quatre snorted. "What a crock."

Heero looked at him with alarm. He couldn't remember ever hearing language like that coming out of Quatre's mouth.

"Well, jeez, Heero, you could move in permanently if you wanted. I think I can afford it."

Heero sat down in the chair across Quatre's desk and stared at his hands, folded in his lap. "I just… feel a bit out of place. Like I don't belong." He looked up. "Your butler wants to kill me."

"Edward's a harmless old goat. He hates to be wrong, that's all. I don't think he wants to kill you." Quatre cocked an eyebrow. "If he did, I'd have to give him a pay cut." He leaned back in his chair and contemplated Heero sagely. "It's Dorothy that's bothering you, isn't it?"

"No. Yes. Sort of." That she was Dorothy always bothered him; he'd never get along with her. But whenever he was in the same room as Quatre and her, seeing them not seeing anyone but each other… that made him uncomfortable. Something about her blonde hair and blue eyes… He shook his head suddenly, focusing on his friend again. "I really want to go see Duo, too."

Quatre sighed. "I won't stop you. I'll be sad to see you go, though."

Heero nodded, got up, and left the room quietly, shutting the door behind him.

Left alone, the Winner heir leaned back in his chair, thinking. _Moving quickly from place to place, never stopping long enough to make any commitments, to get attached. I think he got attached to someone, inside, and it scared him, and now he's trying to run away from it. The rope's always got to snap back…_

**********


	6. Chapter 6

Feels Like Home

__

By Shikata ga nai

~*~

Heero was tired. Very tired. But he had to go see Duo. He had to find out if Duo was doing all right. Even though all he really wanted to do was sleep. He bought a business-class ticket on the next shuttle to L2 and settled into the cushy seat for a nap, not really caring that he was splurging his limited funds. 

He woke up once during the flight, and the stewardess winked at him and offered him a drink. He declined and pretended to go back to sleep, but sat there watching her from beneath mostly shut eyelids as she finished her rounds. She was very pretty.

He was awakened by the same stewardess later on. "Sir…sir, we're about to land…" She moved on to the next row. He blinked and rubbed his eyes; he hadn't meant to fall asleep again. He felt refreshed, though. When they landed, he pulled his backpack from the overhead compartment and hurried off the shuttle, into the bustling spaceport.

Half an hour and a taxi ride later, he stood in front of a brick building bearing a sign that said _Maxwell Salvage and Auto Repair_ in large red letters. A bell tinkled somewhere when he pushed open the door and a woman looked up from the desk she was working at. Her hair was short and very black, and her eyes were a sunny sort of blue. 

"Hello…" she said, but she was staring at him oddly. Suddenly her face lit up with recognition. "Heero!"

Hilde jumped up from her chair and raced over to give him a hug. Heero blushed at the unexpected attention.

"It's been too long," she said as she stood back. "You were supposed to come and visit sooner!"

"I'd like to tell my story, but I'd rather not tell it twice. Where's Duo?"

"He's back in the shop. Come on." Hilde took him by the hand and led him back to see Duo.

***

"That was a busy eight months," Duo said when Heero finished telling his story. 

Heero smiled and took another sip of his coffee. He felt relaxed, as he had for a long time with Duo. Here, there were no pretenses, and he didn't have to reveal or conceal anything if he didn't want to. He could just be himself. "What have you done since the war, Duo?" he asked.

Duo sat up proudly. "I came home to L2 with Hilde and used all the money I had to start this business. I think at the end of the year, we'll be making a profit."

"Congratulations. It's good to see you're doing well."

They kept up a conversation for an hour or more, talking about anything and everything that came to mind. Heero couldn't help but notice that Hilde and Duo seemed very close. It reminded him of Quatre and Dorothy, but on a much more casual level. He could see it in the way they looked at each other sometimes, and the way their arms occasionally brushed together, unnoticed, as they sat side by side and talked to him. It bothered him.

__

Stop that, he thought. _I'm acting jealous or something. There's no need. Duo's happy, Hilde's happy, I should be happy for them._ _Think peaceful thoughts._ He sipped his coffee some more, wishing for a distraction.

It came in the form of the phone ringing. Hilde bounced up from the table and answered it. "Maxwell Salvage, Hilde speaking," she said sweetly. "Uh huh. Yes. Just a second, please…" She cupped her hand over the receiver and spoke to Duo. "It's James Sorenson. He wants you to go pick up some junk from the construction site for him. He says he'll pay you on Tuesday. You should probably take the big truck."

Duo nodded and got up. "Tell him I'll be there in ten minutes," he said cheerfully. He turned to Heero. "You wanna go get some exercise? Lots of heavy lifting," he said winningly.

Heero grinned. "Let me get my jacket."

"Excellent!" He gave Hilde a very quick kiss on the cheek as they ran out the back door to the truck. "We'll be back before you know it…!" The words drifted through the door behind him just before it slammed shut.

Hilde sighed and flopped down on a chair in the empty kitchen. She stretched her legs out on a chair beside her and stared at the ceiling for a few minutes. _So Heero Yuy's back in town_, she thought with a quiet smile. _I wonder about him and Relena…_

***

The 'big truck' was very big indeed. It looked like a small freighter. It sounded like a thunderstorm when Duo started it. The two young men sat quietly in the cab, letting the rumble of the engine and the sound of the radio keep them company while they pulled out of Sorenson's construction yard with their full load. It had been a very hot, strenuous, and fulfilling two hours, while they and three construction workers filled the trailer with debris, girders, and bits of twisted metal. Duo would be fishing out what he could and taking the rest to the dump, for a small fee.

Heero examined his hand as he sat in the passenger seat, leaning his elbow on his backpack. Despite all the sharp corners he'd handled, and all the heavy, rusting metal, the only wound he'd somehow managed to give himself was a paper cut from the forms he had been hanging onto for Duo at one point. He felt a bit stupid, but at least the cut was clean. He put the slashed finger in his mouth and sucked on it for a minute while they rumbled down the road.

Finally, Duo couldn't keep quiet any longer. "So how are things with Relena?"

Heero pulled his finger out of his mouth. "I don't know. I haven't seen her in four months."

Duo's eyebrows shot into his hairline. "You haven't kept in contact with her at all?"

"No…" Heero was a little puzzled by the thought.

Duo shook his head. "What a sensitive guy. You go out and get religion and values, but you can't find any manners or sense while you're at it."

"What are you talking about?" Heero asked a little sharply.

Duo signaled and took the turnoff that led to the salvage yard, pulling around to the back entrance. He backed the truck in smoothly, turned off the ignition, and climbed out. "I'm just saying," he said as he jumped onto the solid packed earth, "that you really haven't got a clue."

Heero got out and walked around the front of the truck to face Duo. "What makes you say that?" He was half mad and half genuinely curious.

Duo frowned at him. _This could get rough,_ he thought. "Think about it, Heero. You're a smart guy. It all adds up…" He started walking towards the main building, where they'd left Hilde, ticking off points on his fingers as he went. "Relena tried to save you--from me--when we first met. She kept close tabs on you all through the wars. She would have walked through fire for you if you'd asked her. She saved you at your weakest moment, and nursed you back to health. She_ did,_" he insisted when Heero rolled his eyes a little. Unfazed, he continued. 

"You stayed at her house for four months, making full use of her facilities while you were there. When you wanted to leave, she found all of our whereabouts for you, just like that. She gave you money and food and wished you well when you left, Heero. _But she didn't want you to leave._ She was probably hoping the whole time that you'd change your mind and stay, or at _least_, that you'd _thank_ her and bother to keep in contact, to let her know that you weren't _dead_!"

The last syllable rang loudly through the air, and Duo smiled with grim satisfaction when Heero stopped dead in his tracks. _I got him_, he thought. Heero still looked confused, but there was a glimmer of understanding on his face. Duo watched him for a moment, then said gently, "She loves you, Heero. Do you feel anything in return? Is there a little heavy spot in your stomach? Guilt? Yeah? Do you feel guilty for treating her like dirt? _Good,_" he said sharply before turning away. "At least that means that you feel _something._" And with that, Duo left Heero behind and walked back into the office, letting the door shut behind him.

Heero stood alone in the empty salvage yard and turned his face up towards the sky. He bit his lip and squeezed his eyes shut as his guilty thoughts assaulted him silently.

**********


	7. Chapter 7

Feels Like Home

__

By Shikata ga nai

~*~

Heero groaned and peeked his eyes open. The peace officer's face hovered above him, blocking most of his view of the sky. He shivered a little. It was cold.

The man looked sympathetic. "Move along, kid. This is no place for you." He helped Heero off of the park bench and waved him along, onto the pathway streaming with people who had places to go, things to do, and money to spend when they got there.

Heero, on the other hand, didn't have any of those three things. He had left L2 in a hurry, the same day that he got there, spending the majority of his remaining money on a shuttle ride back to Earth. He now had about twenty-five dollars to his name, as well as a backpack that no longer had food in it, and a very large chip on his shoulder. It had been a week, and he had spent his nights sleeping on park benches in a beautiful region of the former France. Today, he thought that he should move on. Perhaps he could find a place to get cleaned up, and maybe an actual bed for the night. He adjusted his backpack on his shoulders and walked aimlessly along the park path, looking for an exit to the rest of town.

Two hours of walking later, he found a halfway shelter. Inside, there were a few bathrooms that included showers. He almost laughed out loud. The water was kind of cold, but after a few minutes of vigourous scrubbing, he could almost forget that he'd spent seven nights on the street. Fresh and healthy, he wandered back into the main room of the shelter and joined the food line. He felt a bit guilty and ashamed to find himself standing among poor, homeless people, waiting for a handout, until he remembered that he currently qualified as poor and homeless himself. The thought didn't cheer him up much.

Five minutes later, he was at the front of the line with a red plastic food tray in his hands. A few volunteers were ladling out bowls of watery soup for the lineup, and although it didn't look like it would be terribly appetizing in better times, the smell made Heero's stomach growl insistently right then. He walked forward to take his food. A young, blonde woman in a green apron handed him his bowl. She smiled encouragingly; she looked like the type of high society person who helped out at shelters to build up her reputation among her social group. Or maybe she just genuinely cared about others. Heero couldn't read people very well.

He knew a familiar face when he saw one, though. It was so dimly remembered that it took him a few moments to recall her name. He stood there and stared at her in confusion until he did, and he watched absently as her smile became a little strained. Finally, it clicked. "Sylvia Noventa!" he gasped. He backpedaled a few steps, remembering their last encounter, when he'd told her about her grandfather's death and offered to let her kill him in revenge.

Sylvia froze, and her eyes widened in fear. Soon, though, it faded to curiosity, because the man before her didn't look like he was dangerous. She peered at his face strangely for an eternity, and when she suddenly dropped the ladle with a _clang_ into the soup pot, he knew she'd recognized him. Her lips moved unintelligibly for a minute, but then she formed sound. "Heero…" she said softly. Then, her expression changed from reminiscent to forceful in the time it took to blink. "Wait right there," she commanded, and then she ran off to talk to an older woman who was supervising the volunteers.

Heero obeyed, standing in front of the food line awkwardly with a steaming bowl of potato soup, while those who had been standing close enough to hear the exchange stared and whispered among themselves. Finally, she came back to her station with another young woman to replace her, took off her apron, and came around the counter towards Heero. "Come on," she said, pulling his arm gently. "Let's go find a seat."

The two of them found an empty table, and Heero sat down with his soup while Sylvia sat across from him. She waited patiently while he practically inhaled his food (he hadn't eaten much for three days), and when he pushed away the empty bowl, she grinned. "It's been a while, Heero," she said.

Heero, at a loss, twiddled his thumbs. "Yes, it has." She had grown up a lot since he'd last seen her; she wore a pink turtleneck that only seemed to amplify the size of her chest. Her hair was a very pale blonde and in a simple ponytail. She wore tastefully expensive diamond studs in her ears that sparkled when she moved her head. "You look good," he said, feeling a need to fill the silence.

She smiled. "I feel good. I'm living on my own, now. I have a job, and a social life, and I make good money. I also got an inheritance after Grandpa died." She cleared her throat awkwardly and looked at the laminate tabletop, trying to avoid Heero's eyes.

"Uh, that's great," he stammered, ashamed of his memories. "How is--?"

"Grandma? Oh, she's doing great," she said quickly. "We talk all the time." The conversation trailed off again, choking on the tension in the air. Then her eyes lit up. "So how are you?" She looked around, marking the scenery and Heero's slightly scruffy appearance, and changed tacks. "What's happened to you since I last saw you?"

Heero gave her a quick summary of the last year or so, filling in details when she prompted him. When he got to his current position, he faltered and trailed off. "And then…hn. Free soup," he finished, gesturing at his empty bowl.

"Oh, my god," she said softly. She chewed her lip in thought as she stared at him, evaluating him. Her eyes were the colour of robin's eggs, narrowed a little. Suddenly, she smiled, having made a decision. "You need a place to stay, don't you?" she asked.

"Oh, I don't really--" Heero objected, even though the thought of park benches and potato soup made him groan inside.

She waved off his unsaid excuses. "No buts. I have a hide-a-bed and a hot shower. The fridge is full of food." She stood up and held out her hand, pleading him with her eyes. "No strings attached."

He exhaled through his nose, slowly. He frowned, trying to resist the offer. He was beholden to no one… "All right," he said finally, standing up and taking her hand. She led him out the front door of the shelter, into the sunlit street.

***

"Okay, so the bathroom's the third door on your left, down the hall, and you can help yourself to anything in the fridge. TV, sleep, books…whatever you want. If you need anything, my work number's on the fridge." Sylvia grinned at Heero, who had just taken off his shoes. She had to go to work.

Heero nodded. "Thank you."

"No problem! Bye!" she called as she left.

When the apartment door shut behind her, Heero sighed tiredly and dropped his backpack off his shoulder with a thunk. He pulled off his jacket, hung it up, and dragged himself and his belongings over to the couch in the living room. His first priority was rest, and the couch was much more comfortable than any bench ever thought of being. He fell asleep almost instantly.

***

It was dark, instead of afternoon, when Heero woke up. Sylvia was home, striding into the kitchen with a paper bag in each arm.

"Hey," she greeted him when she saw he was awake. "Did you sleep well?"

"That was the most sleep I've had in two weeks," he called back. He sat up and rubbed his eyes before wandering into the bathroom. When he came out again, she had set the bags down on the table and was getting out some pots for dinner.

She smiled at him. "I hope you like spaghetti."

"Love it." Heero peeked inside the grocery bags and arbitrarily started putting food away, finding the right cupboards as he went. "Do you know where I might be able to find a job?" he asked.

She looked him up and down from the stove, taking in the stubble on his chin and his clothes, which had seen better days. "You might want to buy a few things first."

"I have other clothes," he replied. He had used his funds to buy a small, simple wardrobe while he traveled. It all fit in his backpack.

"We'll have a look at them after dinner," she said, stirring the sauce.

They ate quietly, chatting a little about what he thought he'd like to do. He established fairly quickly that all he thought he could manage was lifting things. She replied that it would make his job hunt easier; most of the warehouses in town needed help, since many valiant young men had died in the wars. His ears burned red, and she quickly said that she hadn't meant it that way.

After cleaning up their meal, Sylvia instructed Heero to show her what he had for clothes. He obliged, although he needed to do laundry. When she saw his collection of worn T-shirts and jeans, she decided that washed or not, these clothes would never do.

"You're going shopping, I think."

"I can't afford it."

"I'll give you money."

"No, you won't."

"Yes, I will."

"No, you won't."

"Heero, you'll take the money and buy yourself some new clothes, if I have to glue it to your hand."

He glared at her. She glared right back.

"Fine," he growled, "but I'm paying you back."

Satisfied, she smiled and gathered up his clothes from the couch. "I'll put these in the laundry. Tomorrow's Sunday; we'll go out after lunch and do some shopping." With that, she left the room.

Heero stared at the doorway in consternation long after she left, knowing that he was out of his element here.

**********


	8. Chapter 8

Feels Like Home

__

By Shikata ga nai

~*~

"Those pants look excellent on you."

Heero made a face. "They don't suit me."

Sylvia turned him around with an arm to see the heavy khakis from all angles. They fit beautifully. "It's just because you've never worn anything like that before," she insisted. "They'll be good for everything. Buy them."

Heero looked at himself in the mirror one more time. _I suppose they're not that bad,_ he thought with resignation. "Fine," he conceded, and shut the door of the change room to put his jeans back on. So far, they'd found three t-shirts, a white dress shirt, a tie, a pair of dress pants, two pairs of jeans, and the khakis, all reasonably cheap. Heero figured he was done, having spent a little less than $200, which he would be paying back as soon as possible. He hated owing people anything.

He stepped out of the change room with the pants draped over his arm, and discovered that Sylvia had apparently been swallowed up by the industrial blue carpeting. She had been standing right outside the stall when he shut the door, but had somehow vanished completely in about forty-five seconds.

"I'm over here, Heero!" she called from a wall display across the store. "I just remembered something else."

__

Now what? Heero thought tiredly, weaving his way through the store towards her. He had really begun to hate clothes shopping. There was nothing interesting to look at.

She turned towards him with an armload of white and plaid. "You need socks and underwear, too, I bet." She handed him two six-packs of white socks and eight pairs of boxers. "They're all on sale, too," she chirped. "I love Christmas."

Heero blinked in surprise. It was December 2nd, today. Almost a year since the war ended. He stared at empty space, not really thinking, but at the same time remembering.

"Sorry, what?" He shook his head a little as he snapped back into reality.

"I said, let's go pay for these."

Heero followed in a daze as Sylvia made her way to the cash register. They got there just as the person ahead of them left, and the cashier immediately started adding up the cost of the clothes.

"That'll be $215.37," the lady said cheerfully. Sylvia handed her a card, while Heero memorized the number.

"Thank you, and have a Merry Christmas," the cashier trilled. The two young people smiled and left with their bags of clothes.

"I love that store," Sylvia said happily as they strolled through the tinseled mall. "It's not very often that you can get all your shopping done in one stop like that."

Heero stayed silent, glancing occasionally at people or stores as he walked with bags in both hands.

She frowned at him. "I was trying to fill the silence. You know, start some kind of conversation? You're supposed to talk, too."

All he did in reply was raise an eyebrow at her. She sighed and started digging through her purse for her car keys instead.

***

Heero's nice new clothes helped him find a job at a warehouse that was only a ten-minute bus ride from Sylvia's apartment building. Every morning at 8:30, he was there promptly to start his day of heavy lifting, and even though his shift only went until 5:00, he found opportunities for overtime about twice a week. The only day he didn't work was Sunday. He spent most of his Sundays sleeping, running in the park nearby, or occasionally doing something with Sylvia, at her insistence. She got tired of his being completely antisocial, and on Sundays or in the evening after work, she would drag him to a movie with her close friends, or to the zoo, or to the local pool and gym for a workout, which was more interesting to him.

Heero came home on Friday, December 21 with a paycheck that brought his debt to Sylvia down to $50. When he walked into the kitchen, she was sitting at the table with the telephone in front of her. She looked pissed off.

"What do you mean, you can't go?…Dammit, Dave, thanks for the _entire day_ of notice!…No, I don't think I'll find another date before tomorrow night." She sighed, listening to the voice on the other end of the line with her forehead propped on a hand. "Yeah…Yeah…I'm sorry, I just...Tell your mom I said get well soon. Okay…bye." She hung up the phone and swore at it.

Heero cleared his throat a little awkwardly, and she looked up in surprise. "Oh, hey, Heero."

He handed her the check, already endorsed on the back. "What was that all about?"

She stood up and stretched, straightening out her back with a sigh. "That was Dave. He was supposed to be my date for this society Christmas party tomorrow night, and he just cancelled on me." She gestured shortly at the phone with the check, still annoyed. "A friend of my grandma's is hosting it; it's like the zillionth annual. I was invited, of course, and this is one of those things that you _need_ an escort for." She saw Heero's confused expression, and elaborated. "There's a lot of dirty old men in attendance, but if you have someone with you, they leave you alone."

"Oh, okay then," he said awkwardly.

She fumed. "Where the hell am I going to find a date at this--" She stopped short, and a brilliant idea gleamed in her eyes. Heero got very nervous all of a sudden.

"Heero!" she cried excitedly, justifying his nervousness. He started looking for an escape route, but she grabbed his hand, clasping it in both of hers.

"No, don't go! Please, please, _please_, Heero, you have to come with me!" she begged. "I need a date! I'll never find one in time! No, it's no big deal! You just dress up and laugh at all their bad jokes! You'll be fed! There's free drinks!"

"I can't dance," he said.

"You don't have to. Or I can teach you. Please come!"

He was about to say it wouldn't be a good idea, but he did owe her one. He looked at her and his gaze locked onto her bright blue eyes, wide with hope and apprehension. Something about that gaze broke his resolve. "I'll go," he said.

The words were hardly out of his mouth when she cheered and looked at the clock. "Yay! It's 6:00 now. You need something to wear. Maybe if we hurry, we can rent you a tux for tomorrow. I hope there's still some left." She herded him out the door before he could second-guess himself.

In the third tuxedo rental shop they tried, there were still a few ensembles to choose from. In ten minutes, Sylvia and the elderly shopkeeper had him in a black tuxedo with a white cummerbund and white tie. "Damn, Heero, you look fine," she said. The portly old man agreed with her. "It's a very nice image," he chortled.

"What do you think, Heero?" she asked.

As hard as he tried, Heero couldn't think of anything to say against the outfit. It fit perfectly. He looked distinguished, which he supposed was a good thing. He blocked all of the sudden, unbidden images of Quatre's butler out of his mind and said, "I like it."

Sylvia grinned. "We'll take it," she said to the shopkeeper.

They hurried home and hung up the tuxedo in Sylvia's closet. She went into the kitchen and ordered pizza on the phone, then went into the living room and confronted her stereo. It was a high-tech piece of equipment, with several speakers placed strategically around the room. There was a 100-CD storage rack standing upright on the floor, and she rifled through it efficiently while Heero watched with interest.

After less than a minute of searching, she pulled two cases out of the rack and stuck their CD's in the disc changer. A melodious waltz trickled into the room, and Sylvia stood in the middle of the floor and held out her hand for Heero to take. He got up and took it, confused. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"You said you don't know how to dance. Now you're learning to waltz, at least, so you'll have something to show off tomorrow night."

Heero raised another quizzical eyebrow, his new favourite expression, but allowed himself to be led around the room while Sylvia taught him to waltz. It was easy, and after a pizza break, she taught him the two-step, the fox trot, and the Macarena. Hours later, they collapsed side-by-side on the couch, worn out, and she rolled her head to the side to look at him. She smiled tiredly. "You'll knock 'em dead, boy," she said, and patted his hand lightly.

**********


	9. Chapter 9

Feels Like Home

__

By Shikata ga nai

~*~

Heero nervously adjusted his white bow tie as he and Sylvia walked in the front door of the mansion. She was wearing a sparkly, black, strapless dress with no back, and it looked very good on her. They were barely past the foyer when they were swept up in a crowd of people and tinsel and lights and canapés. As Sylvia hobnobbed with friends of her grandmother, Heero had a glass of champagne pushed into one hand and a mini quiche put in the other.

The live band was excellent, playing a mix of numbers, and Heero danced with Sylvia several times, as well as other women between the ages of 18 and 50, who'd had their eyes on him since they saw him walk in the door. The champagne flowed freely, and there was always more food to be pushed on him. The evening passed in a swirl of lights and sparkles and laughter.

At one-thirty in the morning, a parade of taxis stood at the front gates of the mansion. Heero and Sylvia took one home. As they sat in the back and watched snowflakes swirl in the streetlights, Sylvia yawned and asked him if he'd had a good time. It had genuinely been one of the best evenings of Heero's life.

The cab got them home (it and the others had been paid for already by the party's hosts--they were fabulously rich), and they stumbled tiredly through the front door of her apartment. They'd both had plenty of the champagne. Sylvia tried to balance to take off her black high heels, but wobbled and kind of collapsed into Heero, who was still aware enough to catch her in his arms.

"Oof. Sorry," she said, but she didn't move. Neither did he.

Heero didn't sleep on the couch that night.

***

By the end of the next week, Heero had moved his things from their corner of the living room into his half of Sylvia's closet. They attended a New Year's Party hosted by one of Sylvia's friends as an official couple. At midnight, she led him onto the balcony and they shared a New Year's kiss that promised many more to come.

At the beginning of February, Heero woke up early one Sunday morning and was pleasantly surprised, as he always was, to find her sleeping peacefully beside him, proving that this wasn't a dream. After more than a year of searching, he'd found a life. And he liked it. He shifted to his side and gently traced the curve of her shoulder with a finger. She moved a little under his touch, but didn't wake up. Satisfied and happy, he went back to sleep.

In August, Heero was still content with things the way they were. He preferred focussing on the 'now', rather than giving a lot of thought to the 'later'. Naturally, he was a little shocked one day to find a bridal magazine sitting among the stack of _Time, People_ and _National Geographic_ on the coffee table. _Oh, dear god,_ he thought as he stared at it like it was trying to bite him. He had never seen this coming. Perhaps, if he'd thought about it, he would have realized it was an eventuality, but he hadn't, and he didn't know what to do.

He sat down on the couch and put his head in his hands. _Calm down,_ he thought. _There could be a perfectly logical, safe explanation for the presence of a bridal magazine on the coffee table. Maybe she has a friend, or a distant cousin, who's getting married._ Then he shook his head and groaned. Highly unlikely. She probably would have said something to him if that were true. Planning her own wedding, on the other hand...if she was waiting for him to ask her, she wouldn't say anything.

Heero got up, put the magazine back where he'd found it, and left the room. He was a rational, methodical person, and he liked to do things that made sense. It was time to start making sure that he wanted to marry Sylvia.

**********


	10. Chapter 10

Feels Like Home

__

By Shikata ga nai

~*~

Unfortunately, despite Heero's best intentions to be businesslike and methodical about where his relationship with Sylvia was going, he found that every time he looked at her, all thoughts of analyzing and evaluating his situation froze in their tracks and then gave up, retreating from his mind with a defeated shrug. A mix of contentment, fear of loneliness, and guilt about what he was trying to do made him ignore his dilemma and put his energy towards lying comfortably on the couch with his head in her lap, letting her play absently with his untamable hair while they watched TV.

He successfully carried on with his denial through three weeks of TV, quiet dinners, movie dates, nights out with Sylvia's friends, snuggling, sex, and all of the other comfortable habits they'd developed in their blissfully uneventful, postwar life together.

However, when you push an important problem from the front of your mind, sometimes the back of your mind will take up the torch instead, whether you like it or not. This is exactly what happened to Heero, and he discovered after three weeks of avoiding the issue that it had been solved for him, and the answer shoved in his face.

He woke up that morning, groaned, shifted to his other side, groaned again, and flopped onto his back with the sheets tangled around his stomach, wide awake and staring at the ceiling. There was a familiar tug at the back of his brain that kept trying to draw his gaze to the bedroom door, but he knew that he was really drawn to what lay beyond it: the front door and the sunlit streets. It was a feeling that he'd gotten many times during his travels, and he knew it well: the desire to leave. The road was calling him again, for the first time since last fall. Stifling a panic attack, he tried to ignore it.

He turned to look at Sylvia. She was sleeping on her stomach with her arms under the pillow, her face turned towards him, radiating a peaceful glow. She looked beautiful.

__

I can have this, he thought as he studied her face, _for the rest of my life. I'm a lucky man._

Do I want to marry her? he asked himself. But instead of hearing a 'yes' or 'no', which was what he wanted, a little voice came from the back of his brain and whispered something that was much closer to the truth: _If you move quietly, you can leave right now, and she'll never hear you._

Heero was shocked to get an answer like that, and remained shocked so that he wouldn't have to admit that he'd woken up knowing the answer to his question, and that really the voice had answered the question that he didn't have the courage to form. The little voice drifted down and settled as a melancholy weight in his stomach.

Shocked or not, Heero was secretly considering the little voice's advice, but he never got the chance to act, because just then Sylvia woke up, and sat up and stretched her arms. "Good morning," she yawned.

__

Too late, the voice whispered. "Morning," Heero smiled.

She glanced at the clock on the nightstand. "I'll go start the coffee," she said, getting out of bed and reaching for a fuzzy green robe. "Get in the shower, or you'll be late for work," she called over her shoulder as she strolled down the hallway, tying the belt of the robe around her waist.

When she was out of sight, Heero propped his elbows on his knees and buried his face in his hands, trying to block out the world. Finally, he got up and took a hot shower, trying to steam and scrub away both the guilt and the lump in his stomach.

***

He left it alone for four days, going to work, going out on Friday night to a friend's for drinks, renting movies on Saturday night. The routines that he usually found comfortable gnawed at his guts, and he found himself increasingly staring at the door when she wasn't looking.

He tossed and turned restlessly for most of Saturday night, until at 4:00 AM he finally fell asleep and didn't wake until almost noon on Sunday. When he woke, he got up straightaway and was showered, dressed, and shaved in a little over ten minutes, moving with a crazy kind of urgency.

He walked into the kitchen and Sylvia looked up from a glass of water and a magazine at the table. "Well, good afternoon, sleepyhead!" she exclaimed. "I was going to wake you up, but you were sleeping so peacefully." She pointed at the counter across from her. "There's still some hot coffee on the--what's wrong?"

Heero sat at the table beside her, put his hand on top of hers, and said, "Sylvia, there's something I have to tell you."

She looked between his stony face and his hand that was grasping hers, winced, and said, "Heero, you're hurting my hand."

"Sorry," he said, and loosened his grip. "I've...I've been thinking about things lately, and..." He cleared his throat nervously, looking for words. "Thinking about us, and where this is going, I mean, and..." Oh god, why was this so hard? He took a deep breath, staring at their hands resting on top of the glossy magazine pages, and willed his courage to come out. "This isn't what I'm looking for," he blurted. There, he'd said it. He looked up at her face.

She was staring at him with her mouth open in shock and confusion. "What are you telling me, Heero?" she said finally.

He removed his hand from hers. "I don't want to marry you," he said quietly.

She blinked, and her eyelashes were suddenly damp. She bit her lip and nodded slowly, as if she understood something now, staring at him. Suddenly she sprang out of her chair and left the room as quickly as she could manage without running, keeping her back to him as much as possible.

He sat at the table alone and stared at his hands for an eternity, trying not to listen to the uncontrollable sobbing that he could hear from the living room. Eventually, he got up and went back to the bedroom, digging out his canvas backpack and throwing in some clothes, a hotel-sized bottle of shampoo, a bar of soap, and his personal accessories. Last, he reached under his side of the bed and pulled out a can that had once held peanuts, but now contained a little over $275 in cash, and stuffed that under his clothes.

When he emerged from the bedroom, Sylvia was back at the kitchen table, sitting with her back to him, nursing a cup of the coffee she'd been saving for him.

Her voice rang through the apartment and into the front hallway, loud, clear, and unexpectedly calm. "You're going back to that girl--what's her name--Relena. Aren't you?" Her tone wasn't accusing, but she meant it more as a simple fact than a question.

Heero stopped in the middle of putting on his shoes, surprised at the suggestion. He hadn't been thinking about where he would go, but now that she'd said it, he knew it was true. "Yes." He paused. "How did you know?"

She turned around in her seat and met his eyes. Hers were red and blotchy. "That first time we made love"--she got a pained look on her face when she said the word 'love'--"at Christmas...you said her name."

She faced her coffee again and took a sip. The quality of the silence that fell made him wonder if that was the only time he'd done it. _Just great, Heero,_ he thought. _Way to be an ass._ He looked at Sylvia's back, studying her as though for the first time. _Blonde hair, blue eyes, same height...I'm such an idiot._

He stuffed his other shoe onto his foot, threw on his jacket, and flung his backpack on over his shoulder. With one hand on the doorknob, he turned around and looked at her for a full minute. She was staring steadily at the wall in front of her, occasionally sipping her coffee and sniffling loudly as she wiped at her eyes.

He loved her. _But not enough to stay with her,_ he thought sadly. He suddenly wanted to drop his pack, run into the kitchen, sweep her into his arms, and apologize to her until the sun fell out of the sky, but he knew that words wouldn't do anything for her, and he had nothing else to offer.

There was nothing he could say to make things better, and in the end he didn't even say goodbye. They both knew that they'd never see each other again.

Heero walked three blocks and then hailed a taxi to take him to the airport.

**********


	11. Chapter 11

Feels Like Home

__

By Shikata ga nai

~*~

One year, five months, and twenty-two days after Heero Yuy walked out of her life, Relena Darlian, once a Peacecraft, former queen of the Earth Sphere, sat on the couch in her living room, wrapped in a blanket. She had been reading, but the book now lay forgotten on the cushion next to her. She was staring out of the bay window at the hedge that obscured the driveway. Autumn was just settling in, and the leaves were turning orange, red, and purple. They looked even more vibrant than usual, because the sky was the dreariest grey possible. It was raining twice as hard as it had on the day Heero left, and thunder rumbled in the distance.

She studied the colours of the hedge, letting her mind drift aimlessly around creation, trying to keep it from settling on work, because she was taking a week off and needed to unwind.

When the doorbell rang, piercing the silence, she jumped in surprise and nearly fell off of the couch, and then hurried to answer it herself--Pagan had today and tomorrow off.

As startled as she'd been when the doorbell rang, somehow she wasn't surprised at all when she opened the door and saw who was there. Maybe it was because he was never far from her mind, no matter how much or how hard she worked at other things.

He stood on her sheltered front step with a familiar canvas backpack dangling loosely from one hand. He was soaked to the skin from the rain that poured down just two feet behind him, and his sodden, perpetually messy brown hair dripped into his eyes. He looked like he hadn't slept for days.

She opened the door wide and said, "Come in, Heero," pulling him inside and shutting the door behind him.

He looked around slowly, blinking rainwater out of his eyes, and then turned to her and looked her up and down, taking in her ripped jeans, thick socks, fleece sweatshirt, and careless ponytail before settling on her face. He opened his mouth for the first time. "Relena, I--" But she didn't get to hear the rest, because he suddenly passed out from exhaustion.

She caught Heero before he hit the ground, and this time she knew she wouldn't drop him.

**********


	12. Chapter 12

Feels Like Home

__

By Shikata ga nai

~*~

Heero groaned as he opened his eyes. It was so brightly white around him that he had to squeeze them shut again immediately, and he waited a few seconds before he tried again. Slowly, cautiously, he peeped his eyes open and soon was blinking tears out of them. The blinding white light resolved itself into a dull glow of sunlight through alabaster curtains. 

He lay there tensely for a moment, not sure what to make of things. He stared at the ceiling; it was white stucco. The bed was warm and comfortable, and he knew he'd slept well, which was a welcome change from the last four days and nights, spent in a horrible limbo between wakefulness and sleeping, in airplane seats, the backseats of unfamiliar cars on the highway, the back of someone's pickup truck, and even in an alleyway. He'd flown, hitchhiked, and then walked the last five miles through the driving rain to get here.

Smothering a yawn with a fist, he sat up and swung his legs out of bed. He stood up, walked in his boxers across the expanse of white carpet to the window, and pushed aside the curtain to look outside. The sun shone brightly from the east and everything had a fresh, warm glow to it. He could see glimpses of puddles on the driveway, over the hedge.

The bedroom door opened behind him and he turned around, letting the curtain drop from his fingers. Relena stood in the doorway with some clothes draped over her arm, watching him a little uncertainly. He nodded in greeting and she relaxed visibly.

"I washed and dried your clothes for you," she said, offering her burdened arm before putting the folded clothes on the bed. She backed into the doorway again, gripping the doorknob. "If you want to get dressed, there's food waiting in the kitchen for you."

"Thanks," Heero said gruffly.

She nodded and left the room.

He walked into the familiar adjoining bathroom and turned on the shower, letting it blast hot and cascade over his travel-weary skin for a moment, relishing the feeling of the hot water on his face before scrubbing away the last several days and letting them swirl down the drain.

When he was out, dry, and dressed, he frowned at his hair in the mirror and left the room, heading for the kitchen. Relena was sitting at the table, sipping coffee and flipping through the newspaper. She looked up when he walked in.

"There's coffee in the pot on the counter, and I made eggs, bacon, and toast." She got up to get the food while Heero filled a cup of coffee and sat down.

"You made breakfast?"

"Pagan's got the day off. Besides, I'm perfectly capable of cooking. I just can't be bothered most of the time." She set a loaded plate down in front of him and fetched some toast for herself.

Heero took one look at the food and realized how hungry he was. He hadn't eaten much in the last few days, concentrating his limited funds on travelling instead. He tucked in ravenously.

Relena let him eat in silence, sipping her coffee and munching toast while she watched him, newspaper forgotten. He'd come out of nowhere just yesterday, and already she felt like he'd never left to begin with. It was nice.

Finally, he pushed his empty plate away and leaned back in his chair, watching her with deep blue eyes. "How long did I sleep this time?" he asked, the hint of a sardonic chuckle in his voice.

"Just overnight," she said with a grin. "It's ten-thirty in the morning."

Heero nodded absently, enjoying the feeling of being full and comfortable.

"It's been a year and a half," she said, partly revelation, partly to fill the silence. She could have easily asked him for details about his adventures, but she wasn't about to. She figured that it was personal, and that he'd tell her if he wanted to.

Heero nodded and stared at the edge of the table in front of him. "I traveled a lot. Looking for something, I guess. Trying to figure things out."

"And did you figure them out?" she asked gently, not pressing, just asking.

He snorted and shook his head, his eyes obscured by his messy brown bangs. "The only thing I figured out is that I shouldn't have left at all."

She set down her empty coffee cup. "I think sometimes there are things that you have to work out for yourself, even though you realize you should have known all along."

He looked up at her then, and his eyes were as clear and deep as the sea. He thought hers looked like the clean sky outside. He thought about his fellow pilots--his friends--and what they'd done for him. He thought about Sylvia, too, and knew that he'd probably never mention that. There was no need to. He remembered some things that he'd said to Wufei, a long time ago: _I've never 'fit' anywhere. I've been all over the Earth Sphere and the colonies. Nowhere feels like home..._

"I know now what I should have known a year and a half ago," Heero said.

"What's that?" Relena asked, her heart racing.

Heero got up, walked around the table, and held out his hand to her. She stood up and he hugged her, pressing her close to his heart with strong arms, inhaling the light, flowery scent of her hair. "That this...this feels like home," he whispered.

******************

The End


End file.
